


He knew. He always knew.

by Septic84



Series: Ghost version of myself [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, DBT, Dan and Phil World Tour 2018 NO Spoilers, Depression, Existential Crisis, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Interactive Introverts NO Spoilers, Living my truth, Mental Health Issues, Phil is a great guy, Platonic Cuddling, Sick Dan Howell, Taking care of yourself.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-06-22 09:46:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15579171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Septic84/pseuds/Septic84
Summary: Their world tour is amazing, the Tour is also draining and exhausting.





	He knew. He always knew.

He knew. He always knew. 

Phil was giving me the knowing look again. I didn't even think I was that bad, but Phil always seems to know. “You have an appointment before the show, yeah?” He asked.

“Yes, Phil,” I said, a little too curtly. I was overtired, frazzled and I was also homesick. I loved this tour, but it was starting to take its toll on me. Luckily I had my appointment today, I don't know if waiting another day let alone a week would have been a good idea. My therapist and I had an agreement to do Skype sessions, Phil made sure that everyone was out of the bus at least 15 minutes prior and for at least 15 minutes after my session. I really appreciated that he was very concerned about and considerate of my privacy

“Are you telling people what you need or just expecting they know?” Was the first thing she had said when I told her I didn't feel well. This was a question that we had gone over before. I knew that people couldn't know what I needed, yet I still expected them too. 

“Well, I haven't said anything.”

“We have agreed that is not effective, haven't we?” It was rhetorical. “So, we know that making sure you are healthy enough to do the shows is top priority yeah?”

“Obviously.” I always felt scolded. I knew it was more my own insecurity, but it still was uncomfortable. 

“So, how much time are you taking to take care of yourself in between them?”

I knew this question was coming, too. She was asking about my routine that had been blown out of the water the last few weeks. There was always something new to do or place to go. I hadn't really had any time to decompress. I knew this was a mistake as well.

“Not as much as I should,” I admitted. “I don't want to disappoint Phil. This is the last time we will be doing this. I don't want him to feel like he missed out because of me.”

“Daniel, what are your radical acceptance statements?”

I sighed. “This is the way it has to be. The present is the only moment I have control over“

“Good, and your affirmations?”

“That I can't make Phil happy if I am sick. I can't make anyone happy if I don't take care of myself.”

“Correct.” She smiled kindly. “So why don't you tell Phil what you need, get healthier and then you won't risk a bigger repercussion.” 

“Yeah. You're right. Thanks.”

“You're welcome. Please make sure to do some meditation. You know it makes you feel better.”

“I know. I will try.”

“Thank you. Don't forget that this whole tour, not just the shows, is supposed to be fun, yeah? Do you think a week out will be okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. Thanks.”

The call ended and I was left staring at a blank screen. I was so tired and frustrated with myself. I went to make coffee, two hours until the meet and greet was not enough time for a nap. I hoped that tonight would go well considering what my mood already had been.

“Are you alright?” Phil asked me during the intermission of that day's show. “You don't look right.”

“Haha, Phil,”

Phil was not in the mood to kid. He narrowed his eyes. “I'm serious.”

“Sorry. Yeah, I'm okay. I'm just tired.”

“Drink more water.” He said sighing sadly, handing me another bottle.

“Yeah, thanks.” I turned away. He knew. He always knew. 

 

It was shortly after 4, the show was an earlier performance today so after showers, we were to meet the crew to celebrate a job well done. The plan was to meet at a local restaurant and experience the nightlife of the town. It had been “the plan” for about a month now; typically the shows were later in the evening and it wasn't a possibility to experience the local culture. Now, however, I really did not want to go. I really just wanted to sleep. Phil had showered first and I was almost done with mine. My limbs felt as if they weighed tons, my head felt stuffed with cotton wool. I glanced in the mirror and poked at myself, trying to make sure I didn't look too exhausted. I knew it was pointless. I went back to my bunk, set my stuff down and then found Phil in the lounge in his PJ's with a game loaded on the screen. There was water, a salad, some fruit and a mug of hot chocolate on the table.

“Phil?”

“Hello, Mr. “I'm tired.” I have decided that we are going to stay in tonight.”

“But, Phil, we told the others-”

“Yes. And I told them that I wasn't feeling well so we were staying in.”

“Oh.”

“Go put your Pajamas on.” 

I slowly walked back to my things and did just that. I was somewhat embarrassed, but I was overwhelmed with the rush of relief that flooded over me. I walked back even more tired than before.

“So I have Mario Cart loaded, we can play that. Or we can watch something. Or listen to music. Or talk. Or whatever you need Dan.” He shook his head sadly and said. “I know what's going on, you know.”

I blinked back tears. “Yeah,” I said softly, avoiding his gaze.

“You should have just told me you needed a rest. I thought we agreed that you would tell me.”

“I'm sorry. I just didn't want it to be true.”

“Well pretending it doesn't exist never works, Dan. We have already learned that lesson, remember?”

I nodded shyly and laughed in spite of myself. “I guess I am still a work in progress.”

Phil's face softened. “Yes, but you have also come very far.”

I smiled. “I think that Mario Cart maybe too much for me. I don't really feel like watching anything either. Sorry.”

“No need. Okay.” He turned off the game, unlocked his phone and suddenly soothing music was filling the bus. “We can just be quiet if you need.” He knew. He always knew.

“Thanks. For, well everything.” I had figured out a while ago when I got to this point that I didn't want to be alone, but I didn't want to be actively doing something or talking. At least not at first. As the tones played, Phil leaned back, sipping his coffee. He was peaceful. He had gotten used to the stillness as well. On really bad days I would need to be next to him, or leaning into him, so he made sure there was enough space for me to do so if I needed to. I didn't feel like I needed it right then, but when Phil set down his mug and patted the seat next to him, I slowly made my way over there. I set down my mug and sat next to him. He knew. He always knew.

“May I touch you?” He muttered softly.

I nodded as Phil pulled me onto his chest. It took years to allow this, to silence voices in my head about the “normal things” best friends did. This was just how Phil and I were. It was okay. I listened to the slow thudding of Phil's heart. I sighed.

“I'm sorry I didn't say something sooner.”

“It's alright, Dan.”

“It's not, I have to tell you.”

“I won't argue that. But if you need it, I forgive you.”

“Thanks.”

“I want you to be healthy.”

“I want that too.”

“Good.”

“I will try harder next time,” I said, meaning it whole heartily.

“I know you will. You are making so much progress Dan.”

“Thanks, Phil.” 

“You're welcome. Now, shh. Just breathe.” 

The next thing I was aware of is the darkness now surrounding the bus. I was covered up and laying down on the sofa by myself. The dark was very peaceful and I could hear the steady hum of the tour bus. We must have been in motion. I sat up slowly and reached for my phone, it was 4:45 AM. My bladder protested as I moved, I got up, took care of that and made my way back to the bunks. I smiled as I approached a very much asleep Phil, carefully I climbed up to my bunk.

“Dan?” Phil muttered sleepily

“Yes, It's me. Go back to sleep, spork”

“You alright?” he yawned.

“Yes. I need more sleep.”

He yawned again. “Good. Me too.”

“Good night, Phil. Thanks for earlier.”

“What are-” he yawned again “Friends for? I did alright then, yeah?”

I chuckled. “As always, Phily. Go to sleep.”

“Mhm.” 

Even in my lowest of times, when I couldn't fight the demons enough to open my own damn mouth, Phil knew. He always knew.

**Author's Note:**

> I felt like there is more to this one, So I am making this my first ever series. (Fancy)  
> A lot of what is in here is based on my own personal experience.


End file.
